Hey all, I apologize for not posting as much lately. I’ve been retaking some of my financial licenses and those tests are really tough. I’m done with those and I’m back to producing 1500 words a day. The Fairy Farts world is a lot happier now that I’m so close to completing the first book.
“Yes, I really am that wizard,” I assured her.
A larger head joined the smaller one in the window of the battered cottage. “And the dragon?”
“I’m negotiating with her to leave the area. She won’t attack today. I promise.” With some effort, I did not look at Pi.
The woman moved to the open doorway. “You spoke with the dragon?”
I nodded. “Yes. She’s really nice once you get to know her.”
She blinked rapidly. “Nice?”
“Well, she did threaten to eat me and breath fire on me,” I shrugged, “but after that we had a very nice conversation about our families.”
The elf stared at me in slack jawed. “Families?”
“Yeah, you don’t think dragons just appear out of thin air, do you? They do have families. Moms, dads, brothers, and sisters.”
She tilted her head to the side. “You must be insane.”
“Queen Lycia might agree with you, but the great wizard Geezer is also a bit eccentric, I assure you. Besides, crazy people shouldn’t scare you. At least they’re committed.”
Five seconds later, Bramble shot out of the cave entrance and stopped outside the summoning circle. It spun in place several times. “Peach Fuzz?”
I cautiously stepped from behind a boulder. “Bramble, what did you see?”
“Dirt, rocks, and an elf.” The sprite reached for the sugar cube.
“No, no,” I cautioned. “Tell me more about the elf.”
The sprite huffed. “She was short, with red hair, and lying on the ground.”
“Was she asleep?” I asked.
“No. Her eyes were open.” Bramble jittered in place as its eyes bounced from me to the sugar cube.
“Then why was she on the ground?” asked Gemma.
“Because she was bound and gagged,” the sprite screamed in frustration. “Please gimme the sugar-ar-ar-ar.”
Another Fairy Farts Excerpt (yes, I’m having a lot of fun writing this):
We had no trouble finding the shop. I walked in, but Gemma had to stoop to get through the door. I was hit with a mixture of spicy smells as I took in the odd array of items occupying the wooden shelves on each wall. A blonde elf with straight hair and freckles on her nose was behind the counter, putting a label on a bottle with a purple-colored liquid inside. She looked up and went slack-jawed, dropping the bottle which shattered spilling the contents all over the countertop. A whole section of the counter disappeared before my eyes as if some giant had taken a bite out of it.
“Oh, fuzzballs!” She pulled out a rag which she rubbed on the now invisible counter. The rag disappeared along with two fingers.
She groaned and threw the rag down with an audible but invisible splat. Stepping around the counter she held out her hand. “Hi, I’m Helena. How can I help you?”
She was more than a foot shorter than me and dressed in a simple green and red dress with pointy shoulder pads. I peered down at the half a hand she offered.
She pasted a nervous grin on her face that was all teeth as she hid her hands behind her back. “Sorry,” she said quickly.
The dragon’s eyes lit up. “Ooooo. The rarest of morsels. Can I eat an arm or a leg? I hear you taste delicious.”
“Told ya,” Gemma whispered in my ear from behind me.
“Not now,” I whispered back.
“As interesting as having you eat me sounds,” I said to the dragon, “I’ll pass for now.” I shook my head to clear it. The longer I talked to the dragon, the more something seemed off, but I couldn’t put my finger on what.
The dragon’s whole demeanor changed. In an instant her posture became like a tiger ready to pounce and she narrowed her eyes at me. “No? No?! No one says no to me. Let the uppity elf send another emissary. I’ll eat you as a down payment.”
Latest except from Fairy Farts:
We found a nearby creek, but with all the blood my new shirt had soaked up and subsequently had dried into it, I was forced to admit that it was a lost cause. Rather than clean it, I buried it and suffered the eye rolls and head shakes as I gave my poor shirt a eulogy.
“I feel like we barely knew each other,” which was true since I’d bought the shirt this morning, “but I watched you grow and change… color during our brief friendship. You always had my back and shared in my pain, and, dear shirt, I’ll never forget that. You became part of the very fabric of my life. From the earth you grew, were woven into life, and we now return you to the soil from whence you came. So, it is with deepest regret that I lay you to rest in this grave. The shallow depth in which in no way relates to the depth of gratitude for your many minutes of service.”
Geezer covered his nose and mouth and turned as green as the cloud. “I take it back. Way worse than turd balls.” He stepped to the table and nudged Blueberry with a finger. The sprite moaned but didn’t seem like it was about to die. “Who’s the crusty butt nugget now Blueberry? You winged dickless bastard, serves you right for putting peanut butter and jelly in my favorite bunny slippers.”
The sprite mumbled something I couldn’t make out.
“What was that?” Geezer yelled inches from the tiny fairy. “I couldn’t quite hear you. Must be all that crow yer eatin’.”
The spite’s eyes were squeezed shut. “I said screw you and the squirrel you rode in on, you shriveled up prune!” Blueberry shouted before curling back into a moaning ball.
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Joe Parker has a prestigious job. He’s the research assistant of THE scientist who’s found a way to eliminate plastic waste. Dr. O Soozana’s miracle cure is an engineered lifeform that eats plastic and produces water vapor. There is a huge demand for the little critters. And that’s the problem. The answer to the mystery of rising costs- it’s a supplies!
What happens when corporate greed encounters academia? Something’s got to give. The painfully eccentric and introverted Dr. O does everything in his power to leave the problem to someone else so he can go back to his lab and work in peace. Unfortunately, that someone else is his hapless lab assistant, Joe. Joe doesn’t have the skills to be a project manager, he’s a graduate biology student who’s an expert in handling Dr. O. The sharks begin to circle. It’s a race to see whose more shellfish, the waterborne ECO-X or the bottom-feeding corporate crabs.
Bribery, unscrupulous lawyers, organized crime, unorganized crime, binge drinking, and friendly bartenders who should have known better than to get involved, are all here.
Aaron Knight tells a pretty good story. As with much of his work, there is a lot of situational comedy and larger-than-life characters to carry the plot. The narrator spends a lot of time telling the story, which keeps the tension down and the narrative light. That’s okay here because the story is all about the puns and outrageous acronyms. 4 out of 5 stars.
Latest Fairy Farts excerpt:
Immediately, three sprites converged on the circular pattern. The one with the shiny blue wing pattern I remembered from my second day in Firdaus, got there first.
Blueberry held the piece of brown candy aloft and stuck its tongue out at the other two sprites. “Too, slow suckers. Okay, Old Fart, what do you want for this?”
Geezer rolled his hand a couple of times. “Call it a gift.”
“Pffft. Whatever. Your loss.” Blueberry waved the chocolate at the other sprites then shoved it in its mouth. “Ooo! This is so tasty! Thanks, Old Fart!
”Two seconds later the sprite’s eyes bugged out. “Uh, oh.” The tiny androgynous winged fairy became a winged cantaloupe in the blink of an eye, then fired itself into the ceiling like a bottle rocket complete with light and sound effects leaving behind a three-foot diameter green cloud. Feeeewiiip! Pop!
“Oooohhh. I don’t feel so good.” Blueberry said weakly as it flew erratically and plopped on a nearby table. It lay there breathing but clearly dazed.