Death of a Sales-Shirt

Latest except from Fairy Farts:

We found a nearby creek, but with all the blood my new shirt had soaked up and subsequently had dried into it, I was forced to admit that it was a lost cause. Rather than clean it, I buried it and suffered the eye rolls and head shakes as I gave my poor shirt a eulogy.

“I feel like we barely knew each other,” which was true since I’d bought the shirt this morning, “but I watched you grow and change… color during our brief friendship. You always had my back and shared in my pain, and, dear shirt, I’ll never forget that. You became part of the very fabric of my life. From the earth you grew, were woven into life, and we now return you to the soil from whence you came. So, it is with deepest regret that I lay you to rest in this grave. The shallow depth in which in no way relates to the depth of gratitude for your many minutes of service.”

Excerpt from Fairy Farts:


Geezer covered his nose and mouth and turned as green as the cloud. “I take it back. Way worse than turd balls.” He stepped to the table and nudged Blueberry with a finger. The sprite moaned but didn’t seem like it was about to die. “Who’s the crusty butt nugget now Blueberry? You winged dickless bastard, serves you right for putting peanut butter and jelly in my favorite bunny slippers.”


The sprite mumbled something I couldn’t make out.


“What was that?” Geezer yelled inches from the tiny fairy. “I couldn’t quite hear you. Must be all that crow yer eatin’.”


The spite’s eyes were squeezed shut. “I said screw you and the squirrel you rode in on, you shriveled up prune!” Blueberry shouted before curling back into a moaning ball.

Book Review: Dr. O and the ECO-X

Joe Parker has a prestigious job. He’s the research assistant of THE scientist who’s found a way to eliminate plastic waste. Dr. O Soozana’s miracle cure is an engineered lifeform that eats plastic and produces water vapor. There is a huge demand for the little critters. And that’s the problem. The answer to the mystery of rising costs- it’s a supplies!

What happens when corporate greed encounters academia? Something’s got to give. The painfully eccentric and introverted Dr. O does everything in his power to leave the problem to someone else so he can go back to his lab and work in peace. Unfortunately, that someone else is his hapless lab assistant, Joe. Joe doesn’t have the skills to be a project manager, he’s a graduate biology student who’s an expert in handling Dr. O. The sharks begin to circle. It’s a race to see whose more shellfish, the waterborne ECO-X or the bottom-feeding corporate crabs.

Bribery, unscrupulous lawyers, organized crime, unorganized crime, binge drinking, and friendly bartenders who should have known better than to get involved, are all here.

Aaron Knight tells a pretty good story. As with much of his work, there is a lot of situational comedy and larger-than-life characters to carry the plot. The narrator spends a lot of time telling the story, which keeps the tension down and the narrative light. That’s okay here because the story is all about the puns and outrageous acronyms. 4 out of 5 stars.

Fairy Farts Excerpt

Latest Fairy Farts excerpt:

Immediately, three sprites converged on the circular pattern. The one with the shiny blue wing pattern I remembered from my second day in Firdaus, got there first.

Blueberry held the piece of brown candy aloft and stuck its tongue out at the other two sprites. “Too, slow suckers. Okay, Old Fart, what do you want for this?”

Geezer rolled his hand a couple of times. “Call it a gift.”

“Pffft. Whatever. Your loss.” Blueberry waved the chocolate at the other sprites then shoved it in its mouth. “Ooo! This is so tasty! Thanks, Old Fart!

”Two seconds later the sprite’s eyes bugged out. “Uh, oh.” The tiny androgynous winged fairy became a winged cantaloupe in the blink of an eye, then fired itself into the ceiling like a bottle rocket complete with light and sound effects leaving behind a three-foot diameter green cloud. Feeeewiiip! Pop!

“Oooohhh. I don’t feel so good.” Blueberry said weakly as it flew erratically and plopped on a nearby table. It lay there breathing but clearly dazed.

Book Review – The Bloodless Revolution by Thomas K Davis

The planet Samael is in peril!

Adeola has been busy. Starting a revolution, training freedom fighters, and protecting her friends is a full-time job. Her brother, The Emperor Kupanga, seized the throne through subterfuge. For the good of the empire, she’s determined to unseat him. But how can she replace him when her other brother and father are dead? Well, perhaps if one of them was only mostly dead… She’ll have to lead her warrior monks on an unarmed strike.

Mega rose from humble beginnings to become the most feared commander of the royal guard. She’ll do anything to protect the throne. Anything has meant a trail of bodies and a well-deserved reputation as a fearsome opponent. Nothing will stand in her way of carrying out the Emperor’s will. She’ll hunt the dogs down in her war on terrier.

Things are coming to head. Adeola has a plan for a bloodless revelation. Unfortunately, it depends on a lot of things going right. When things almost immediately go wrong a lot of friends and innocents end up in the crossfire. Will Adeola be able to forge a path to peace, or will her efforts plunge the kingdom into a bloody civil war. As everyone knows, the best way to win a war is with weapons of mass distraction.

Thomas Davis weaves a story of action, adventure, and political intrigue. The story has a Dune or Star Wars feel to it with all the hidden connections between characters and small group of family and friends in the middle of it. There are a lot of points of view at the beginning, which makes the story hard to parse at first. About 20% of the way into the story, they knit together into a tapestry that’s easier to follow. Action, a complex plot, and characters with good depth make this story an enjoyable read. 4 out of 5 stars.

Book Review: The Ortzian Chronicles by Aaron T Knight

Sam Slade is a graduate Astronomy student at UC Berkley. He’s dedicated his life to solving the mysteries of the universe. He just wasn’t prepared to find one of those mysteries hiding in his favorite easy chair.

The Ortzian travelers from another galaxy are in a real pickle. They’ve crash landed on a primitive world filled with grotesque bipedal aliens. None of the technology they rely on for daily life can be found here. How can they get off this planet without fuel? How will they eat without compatible food? How will they signal their people without a radio-telescope? Oh! Hey, look, a radio-telescope.

The Ortz enlist Sam to help them access the telescope and hide them until pick up, except there are two problems. Sam took a picture of the crash landing, and the telescope recorded the outbound transmission. Leave it to the narcissistic Dr. Globule to find them both. Convinced that Nobel prizes are in his future, he’ll stop at nothing to locate the wayward aliens. This inevitably leads to cats, elephants, and dragons (oh my!), anal probing cows, and a boat load of conspiracy theories that might actually have a grain of truth this time.

Aaron gives us a hilarious vision of humanity through they eyes of a pair of desperate alien visitors. From ambitious egotists, to government bureaucracies, to international politics, nothing is safe from Aaron insightful wit and outrageous commentary. If you’re looking for a lighthearted romp, this is sure to fit the bill. 5 out of 5 stars.

Oops!

How can a date go wrong? Let’s see…

“Oh no, I’m going to be-”

Brrrraaap!

A thick green fog erupted from Sina’s butt. Being on the couch did nothing to slow it down. It filled the space around her for a dozen feet in every direction. And it stank. Really stank. Ten times worse than the port-a-potties at the state fair kinda stink. I struggled not lose my lunch as I scrambled out of the foul-smelling cloud.

“Oh, sweet Titania. Make it stop.” Sina exclaimed.

At that moment, Gemma stepped out of the bathroom clutching a towel two sizes too small to her front. “Hey Evan, where do you keep the- Oh, wow. What is that amazing smell?”

Sina’s mouth fell open. Eyes wide she took in Gemma’s nearly naked form. Her gaze shifted to me. Before I could say a word she bolted from the room.

Springing into April

Hey Fiction Fans,

Spring has sprung here in Colorado. I’m getting out of the house and getting some hiking and dog walking in. And, of course, diligently working on Fairy Farts. I’ve made some progress on the main scene that’s been giving me trouble. Turns out that the thing that was giving me the most problems was Sina. My elf maiden needed more character depth before the scene could take shape in my head and move forward. I found inspiration in another story. It helped me define what was missing.

Excerpt:

“It’s chocolate. The stuff on the outside is a wrapper to protect it until you’re ready to eat it.”

Sina held it gingerly in hands. “An artifact from across the great divide. I’ll cherish it always.”

“Well, it’s food,” I laughed at her reverence. “So, don’t cherish it more than a couple of months. It’ll go bad.”

Sina leaned in and kissed me. It was sweet and tender, and I wanted it to go on forever. It also lasted longer than a friendly thank you.

Reluctantly, I separated my lips from hers. I took a breath to steady myself. When I could trust myself with words, I said, “Wow. That was great and all, but… aren’t you engaged?” 

In other news, I’ve been unhappy with the selection of art available from various services for my ads. Like many writers, I buy licenses to use art made by various artists for my ad copy. I dusted off my image editing skills and made this pic of Mark and Sara on the bridge of Queen Nephanie. And yes, I bought the licenses for all the pieces that went into the final product. I’m sure I’ll get better with practice.

That’s all for this week, so y’all later Fiction Fans.